Tuesday, 27 November 2012

Nagging Thoughts

I wish I could say that this post has a clear purpose, but it doesn't.  I am feeling melancholy today with no real reason.  Things are going well, Nate had a better day at school today and while they won't get the bus straightened out this week so I will need to continue to pick him up in the afternoons, everything else is going smoothly.  I am giving Jack his methylcobalamin shots while he is sleeping and that is going well.  He successfully swallowed his first pill yesterday.  All good stuff.  And even more so- Nate is about to be 3, John and I are about to celebrate our 8 year wedding anniversary, which we are both VERY proud of, and Christmas is coming.  What on earth is my problem?

I think that much of my mood lies in the fact that I am chronically overwhelmed.  Sometimes I just wish for a little bit more stability.  I wish that I wasn't constantly analyzing the boys' supplement doses and schedules and trying to find new schemes to get them to take them all.  I wish for fewer meetings, doctor appointments, etc.  And I know my boys are physically healthy and I am grateful for that- but that does not mean this is easy.

Of course the other piece of this puzzle, in my mind, is remembering where we were last year at this time.  It's very painful for both of us, and for our families.  It was wonderful to be able to, for the most part, rewrite our Thanksgiving experience this year after a very negative one last year.  And I know we will do the same for our anniversary, Nate's birthday, and Christmas and New Year's.  But the memories still hang around there in the back of my mind.  Almost like a trauma.  So while I am so thankful for what I now have, a happy family, I am also mindful of what I almost lost.  And it gets to me.  I never want to live through something like that again.

1 comment:

  1. This feeling of yours is "par for the course". What I meant is that I have read my share of autism research studies and caregiver stress for individuals with autism are much higher than those of typically developing children. So, you are definitely not alone. In fact, you have handled it AMAZINGLY! A lot of the studies I read focuses on parents with ONE child with autism. So, to be able to be in one piece with TWO children with autism is truly amazing!