This is one of the most difficult posts I have had to write. But it needs to be said and people need to be informed. The past few weeks I have posted a few times and been in a bad place- depressed, anxious, scared, feeling helpless. And my children are 3 and 6. I have barely begun this journey, which is a thought that overwhelms me too much to consider on a daily basis.
I’m sure that most of you recall the story of the mother who attempted to kill her autistic son with a sleeping pill overdose and when that didn’t work, she stabbed him to death. It’s a horrendous story, not only for the evil act perpetrated by the mother but for the lack of help that she felt was available to her. That’s one such story.
Today I need to tell you another one. Of a well-respected, autism advocate, blogging mom who is about to be charged with the attempted murder of her 14 year old autistic daughter. They were found unconscious in their van with charcoal grills burning inside and the windows rolled up, thus, carbon monoxide poisoning. I read her blog, not all the time, but I read it. It is very popular. She is well-educated; her husband is an elementary school principal. Her community was involved and supportive. But her daughter had a propensity for extreme violence, making a peaceful home life impossible and educational placement of course problematic. When I think about the fights I take on every single day for each of my boys and add another 9 years to it, and add violence towards mom to the equation, it makes my heart sick.
A little more about this family:
Here is what I can say with confidence. These feelings do not happen overnight, this type of desperation does not happen overnight. Her love for her daughter is clearly written in post after post after post. Can we call this woman an evil person? I personally don’t think so. She did a horrible horrible thing, and my heart goes out to her daughter, her husband and the rest of her family. Did they see this coming? I am sure not. So if I feel blind sighted right now, imagine how they must feel. And I am not alone in the autism community; below I will share with you just two of the MANY reactive posts I have seen today:
I want to say this to every single individual who has ever read my blog. Please keep reading. Know that my frustrations are very typical of what other autism parents go through, that my depression, anxiety, fearfulness, and occasional hopelessness are not unique nor are they odd. Please accept my family’s life as reality and know that we are some of the lucky ones- we have had people back out of our lives, but the vast majority of people have supported and loved us. And our children. To those of you who contact me regularly, please don’t stop. Even if I don’t reply sometimes, your words are like a mental burst of energy. You are building me up to deal with what I need to do. You are helping my children. I have other autism parents that I at the very least, instant message with every single day. We need to keep doing this, and hearing each other. We need the reminder that we are not alone, that someone understands, that someone is there. .
I am not suggesting that this could happen with any of the families I have been in contact with (although if I’m being honest- it just did, right?)- what I am saying is that we can all imagine and to a certain extent even empathize with what she was feeling, with what drove her to this point.
Look at her blog entry from September 3rd:
Look at what happened on the 4th. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to connect the dots.
We need to be there for each other. And we need to pray for this family.
What Kelli Stapleton did is evil and unforgivable -- premeditated murder of her own child! She basically felt that her kid was unworthy of life! One snotty and unfortunate school decision is NOT a reason to try to kill your child.
ReplyDeleteIssy may never recover. Kelli will surely spend the rest of her life in jail. Her other kids will be motherless. And it's all Kelli's fault!
Kelli's options included: calling 911 to say that she felt like killing herself. Taking Issy to a hospital/back to the autism school and leaving her there. Telling hubby she wasn't able to cope. (Yes the first 2 may well have resulted in child abandonment charges... but way better than attempted murder).
Kelli is not entitled to sympathy.
She did have other options, I agree. She clearly was not in a logical or even coherent state of mind. Her act was an evil one and I do not have sympathy for that- I do and will always have
DeleteEmpathy for what she was dealing with. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts
I appreciate this article (and more importantly your stance on the situation) so much. I think it took a lot of bravery for you to put your opinion out there so boldly. It's hard for anyone to understand the situation if they haven't dealt with autism before. It is a daily, non-stop uphill battle. It's clear that Kelli had immense love for her daughter, and I wish her and her family all the best.
ReplyDelete'Mere oppression is making the wise one act foolishly'
ReplyDeleteA parents love knows no bounds. But condeming someone who was desperate, and unable to cope is not something I want to take part in. I agree what happened is shocking. I pray for the family, who lost their mother to despair. Someone who is mentally incapable of handling every disappointment, set back, and loss, does not deserve to be vilified. I will pray for her and every other family that deals with this monster of a disease.
Kelli needs the undeserved kindness that only God can impart to us.
Well said, thank you for posting
DeleteThere are parents who have mental illness and problems of their own themselves and they do not not know how to handle abnormalities in others.
DeleteIt is not just parents who can be abusive like that. I find that extended family can be pretty neglectful. As someone who lives on the spectrum myself, be sure to check out my blog. No one had tried to kill me but it was oppression.
http://youtu.be/EAuOiN3q1JQ
Well said. I think she felt a lot of shame and that came through her last post. We are ALL one loose screw away from doing something like this when we are under extreme pressure. I think anyone can be pushed to this state if they find themselves in that situation. It's still awful and there's no real excuse for murdering someone, she shouldn't have done it. I really hope I wouldn't do it in that same situation. I'm really hoping her daughter pulls through.
ReplyDeleteI can't say what goes through the minds but obviously they are not getting the love and support they need to deal with the situation. Unfortunately, It CAN happen to anyone. Thanks for the post
ReplyDeleteThank you for your bravery in sharing this. I am the mother of a 17 year old son with severe autism. My heart breaks for this entire family. I pray that over the years there will be much more support in place and a much better understanding of our children.
ReplyDeleteLiving on the spectrum myself, I find that extended family are even meaner than immediate family. A lot of them have low tolerance for people who are different because they did not raise us for 18 years.
DeleteI feel so sorry for the mother that did every attempt to kill her son and succeeded in doing so. I have had people in my extended family not want to have anything to do with me because of their past experiences with me. Then again they did not know what was going on.
ReplyDeletehttp://youtu.be/EAuOiN3q1JQ