Saturday, 18 November 2017

Giving Thanks for Support

It’s been over a year, so I feel like most importantly I need to say hi. 
I was going to stop blogging completely, but every time I come close, someone contacts me about one of my old posts with questions, or just to thank me for expressing something they were feeling.  And so I hang in there for a while longer.  I figured eventually I might have something else to say.  And finally I do.  The timing is perfect- Thanksgiving!  Before I get into it, I feel the need, without getting into details, to say that my life today is nothing like my life a year ago.  While the last 6 years have all been difficult, this past year has left me reeling and questioning everything in my life. 
Except that at the same time, it has shown me some really important things.  I have come to realize that there are many many people out there looking out for my family.  People who have been there every step of the way, people who have expected nothing in return and have just loved us. 
We all have times when we have literally “reached capacity”.  Our brains and our hearts have no room left to absorb any more pain.  Have you ever shown up on a friend’s doorstep and just her smile has made you burst into tears?  Like really ugly cry?  For you know, an hour?  I hadn’t had that happen since college, until this past year.  What I need to do today is call out the friends and family (and teachers, and therapists, and neighbors, and strangers) who have been there for our family during a dark time.  These are not people who come swooping in and fix things (no one can do that), these are people who:
Stand in front of me to hide me while I stand in a corner sobbing.
Respond when I message them in the middle of the night without missing a beat
Reach out to support me even when they haven’t seen me in 8 years
Sit on the phone with me for an hour, on a weekend, and talk me through one of the most difficult situations of my life.
Sneak things into my son’s backpack at school that will help our family.
Take my son out to dinner so I can work late
Show up with 2 hours notice to watch the boys so I can attend a very important appointment
Fly halfway across the country to be there for us during a difficult weekend. 
Drive hours in the car while 8 months pregnant to hold my hand.
Listen to my crying on a daily basis even though they have never even met me in real life. 
Bring food to my family when they are insanely busy themselves.
Fix my son’s broken zipper when the very sight of it broken makes me cry (yes, I know)
Replace every light bulb in our home with energy efficient ones.
Literally disassemble my elliptical machine to get it down the stairs. 
Bring 10 lbs of flour and sugar to my house so I start working on my annual pumpkin bread!
Continue to pull every ounce of ability out of our children on a daily basis. 
Tell me over and over again that I am a good mom, even though I never believe it.
I don’t know how to thank all of these people for the kindness and compassion they have shown us.  I know I can never repay them, and that this list is also completely inadequate.  There have been so many other times when someone has just popped up with an “are you ok” text- they may not realize it, but there are days when that little gesture is the poke I needed to keep going that day.   Or just called (ok we’re moms let’s be real- texted) and asked us to get out of the house to do something. 
I don’t have the right words this time, so just thank you.  We are a definite work in progress, we are struggling, but at the same time we are pushing through.  Thank you.