Tuesday, 23 October 2012

Finding Peace After This Past Year

How?  Well, several ways...

First of all, I am sitting here blogging when my house is a complete disaster.  A year ago I could not have done this.  Everything needed to be tidy, everything needed to be in control.  Writing brings me so much peace that I would rather do this than deal with the chaos around me.  I could vacuum up the dog hair...again...and when I get up tomorrow morning it will look like I have done nothing.  I could put all the toys away, knowing that by 8am tomorrow they will be right back where they are now.  I am choosing not to.  I am choosing to take care of myself FIRST.

This is one of the biggest lessons I have learned- and I definitely learned it the hard way.  I mean, as I said a few weeks ago, when I went to the dentist they had to "reactivate" my account.  I hadn't been to my PCP unless I was ill in almost 5 years.  I am paying the price for this now- need extensive dental work.  I had a root canal today- how sick is it that it didn't really bother me?  Being able to lie still for 2 hours in the middle of the day?  Priceless.  I could have done without the fever last night and the pain right now, but other than that I'm good.  Thank God my physical health is good- well other than the migraines and lock jaw.  I am hoping that taking care of the dental issues might help the migraines.  Hoping.  I went so long just trying to make it day to day- getting the boys to their appointments, working, CLEANING.  I was waiting for there to "be time" to take care of myself.  I have come to the realization that this is never ever going to happen.  I have to make the time, no matter how difficult it is.  These things were always weighing on my mind- they sat on my "to do" list for a long time- taking the time to actually do them is way less stressful than worrying about it.

Another biggie for me?  I have really found a new perspective on day to day happenings.  I used to stress out so much about what people thought of me, how my children behaved, my relationships, my self-image.  Now that things have calmed down a bit (it's all relative, ha) I feel myself stepping back and viewing things differently.  It's all a process.  No one event is going to make or break my life or my family.  The children have meltdowns in public.  I argue with people.  I overreact at times.  Blah blah.  Tomorrow might be a good day.  Or it might not.  Walking through the day is my goal, as long as I can accomplish that, then I am doing ok.  The people who care about and love me today will still love me tomorrow.  And some of these things are out of my control.  I cannot always control my children's behavior, I cannot control how people feel about or react to me.  I used to spend hours fretting about the people who disliked me or had a problem with me.  Way too many tears were shed, way too much energy was spent.  My husband has really been instrumental in helping me deal with this. I cannot make someone like or understand me if they don't want to, and why would I even want to try?  Why waste my energy?  I have way more important things to attend to.

Probably most important- I am trying to use my energy wisely.  There have been so many days when I have felt like the "caretaker" of my children instead of their mom.  What's the difference?  I have felt like my life is an assembly line- morning routine, school, work, dinner, play, bedtime, clean, sleep, repeat, repeat, repeat.  If I stepped away from this routine I would be behind and the rest of my week would fall apart.  Well screw it.  I spent years doing this, trying to be perfect and guess what?  It just didn't pan out- I have cavities, my family room rug has juice stains on it (not to mention dog hair), I still have 5 pounds to lose.  A year from today, will I remember the toys being picked up or will I remember sitting in the back yard with my family?  Well honestly the way life is these days, the answer is honestly probably neither, but you get the point.  I will never ever look back on my life and say, I wish I cleaned more, or I wish I did more online shopping.  These moments with the boys are fleeting- and especially in our situation, they are both still in that "window" where early intervention can make all the difference. So that is where my efforts need to be focused.  And my house can just stay messy.  Because Nathan holding out his arms to me and saying "come" means much more to me than all of his books being organized on the shelf. 

Am I able to keep this perspective all the time?  Hell no!  My initial reaction when I am snubbed by someone is still to feel devastated.  It takes me a few minutes to step back and remind myself that I am worthy of being cared about, and that I am loved by the people who matter and want to be a part of my life.  But I get there now- and that matters.  Do I still run around like a maniac trying to get every square inch of my home clean at times?  For sure- ask my husband- he knows to stand back, lol.  Do I cancel appointments for myself because I have to choose mine or the boys?  Absolutely.  But for me, the fact that I am making the appointments at all is a huge step.  The idea that I am leaving the dishes in the sink and sitting down with the boys is huge- even though that stack does still call out to me.  But guess what?  The world doesn't stop turning just because I have dirty dishes.  How about that?

No comments:

Post a Comment