Saturday, 18 August 2012

Just a reminder for myself

I think this is my favorite post ever...or excerpt at least.

"I am not someone who runs in a big group,  in my life I have felt lucky if I take one significant friendship from each experience.  These are all people who I could pick up the phone and talk to at the drop of the hat, and it would feel like no time had passed.  I could text them an expletive out of nowhere and with no context and expect to get one right back!  These are true connections....age, beliefs, occupations don't matter.  One of my best friends is 29 (+31 hehe), lives in Wisconsin and I have met her face to face exactly three times in the 6 years we have known each other.  When I do see her I feel like I need to put up a partition so we can have a proper conversation :).  Establishing this type of friendship is a huge emotional risk.....but obtaining it  is one of the biggest blessings in life.  There have been times when I have given to the point of hurting myself, times when I have been really hurt by those I have risked caring for.  But the times when I have been rewarded with true, lasting friendship have far outnumbered these.  And so I will continue putting myself out there.  Life is too short to risk missing out on someone who could turn out to be very important to me.  Will I continue to get hurt?  Without question.  But I will know who my true friends are.  When the going gets tough....true friends are there.  No matter what.  It's a tough lesson, and one that I have learned the hard way many times.

I want to take a moment to acknowledge the fact that I have learned quite a bit about true friendship this year.  About being a true friend, and recognizing true friendship versus convenience or manipulation.  I have often acted naively  in my life.  For the most part, when it comes to friendship, I choose this.  I want to believe the best in people.  I'm actually quite frequently right- but I have also been duped at times. The difficulties in my life over the past year have really clarified in my mind who I can trust, and who I can't.  "If you give your trust to a person who does not deserve it, you actually give him the power to destroy you."  This is a lesson I seem destined to learn over and over again."

Ahhh.....the good old days. know, April.  I was complaining on facebook the other day about how much gray hair I have acquired this year- it ain't pretty.  And I am horrible about keeping up with my roots, so I am starting to resemble a skunk at times.  Whatever.  I feel like many of the above statements are false.  I am not a good judge of character.  And I am no longer willing to take huge emotional risks.  They aren't worth it.  I no longer choose to act naively, it hurts too much.  My significant friendships....they are the only ones I need.  I don't want to be hurt anymore.  I want to be with my family and the friends that matter.  I want to continue to grow as a person, and I want some peace.  So do not be surprised if I turn a bit hermitish for awhile.  Sometimes we all need to take a few deeps breaths, step back, and reassess our lives.  Make the conscious decision to remove ourselves from situations that are out of our control or unhealthy for us.  I feel selfish doing this, but it's not just for me, it's for my sons, and my husband, and the life that we continue to rebuild.  I have come to realize that I can be a "little miss fix-it" to a fault.  That I went to help others with their problems so much that I ignore my own (or maybe it is so I can ignore my own, that's anyone's guess).  Some of this is compassion, but a lot of it also stems from insecurity, the need for others' approval.  Today I am taking a stand on my own, and my family's behalf.  From this moment forward, my life is about us.  Other people are going to continue to have their problems.  Will I be there for my true friends in the way I always have been?  Of course.  I love you all too much, and you have been there for me this past year, and I will never ever forget that.  However, today I do solemnly vow that:
1.  I will not insert myself into conflicts that do not directly involve me
2.  I will not try to "fix"  every wounded person I meet.  It won't work, and often it makes things worse
3.  I will not continue relationships that are hurtful or harmful to me
4.  I will focus on the people who have surrounded me with love and support in my difficult times, and give them as much as I can.  

This is my life:

And I am so, incredibly lucky.  I never want to take my family, or the love we have for each other for granted. Never is a pretty big word, but that is my goal.  Yes, today IS actually a bad day.  But bad days happen, and then they are over.  And when I wake up tomorrow, I will have a do-over.  I am going to make the most of it.

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