Saturday, 4 May 2013

Things Mommies Never Forget

I am just sitting here wondering- does every mom relive their birth experience the day before and day of their child's birthday?  I keep thinking that as Jack gets older maybe it will become a day JUST about him- but so far, no go.  His party is about him, his gifts are about him, we celebrate HIM, but really it's about all of us.  And it will always be about me becoming a mommy.

Each year I think of working all day Friday May 4th while have contractions about every 8 minutes.  I think of the conversation I had with my older sister Sarah for about 40 mins, at the end of which she gently pointed out that I had had at least 5 contractions.  I wrote down the hour and minute of every contraction after that for like 5 hours.  I walked, I prayed that this was it.  I called John at work and let him know, gave him the ok to go to his work happy hour (was I NUTS???), made my mother and mother-in-law's mother's day gifts.  When John came home, we walked again, then went in.

Those hours of my life are probably the most bittersweet period I can ever remember.  The nerves, the joy, the anticipation, the naked fear.  I have never clung to my husband in that way, before or after that night and the next two ensuing days.  I wanted him by my side, I was terrified, and my mom and sisters lived far away.  Like, didn't want him to take a shower scared. 

I think about the actual birth, how out of control Jack's birth felt, how helpless I felt when he didn't cry at birth.  He just didn't wanna.  He was breathing, but he was blue, and he needed to scream to remedy this issue- already he was stubborn :-), which is so unlike anyone else in his family (ha).  The profound change in Jack after he had his hepatitis B shot will be stuck in my memory for the rest of my life- I will always wonder....what if my OB had faxed my records to the hospital like she was supposed to?  Then Jack wouldn't have had to have the shot (Maryland had a law that if there was no proof at birth that mom is immunized then baby must get the first in the series in the first 24 hours of life).  Would he have still screamed for a full 24 hours if he hadn't had the shot?  Would our path have been the same?   I just don't know, and I probably never will.  But I will always wonder.

At bedtime tonight, I asked Jack if he knew where he was at this time 6 years ago.  He said no, and I reminded him that he was still in mommy's tummy.  He giggled and poked my stomach a few times, then he asked how I knew he wanted to come out.  I told him he squeezed the heck out of my belly until I drove to the doctor and told her to get that baby out of there!  Jack just assumes that he came out of my belly button and that is just FINE with me at this point in his life.  He asked what he said when he came out.  I told him that he said "hey, what's up?" and he thought that was hilarious. Then I asked if he thought he really said that and he said, "no, I said waaaaaahhhhh".  Eventually this was true.  He asked me what I said when he came out.  I told him that I thought that I had never ever loved someone so much in all of my life.  Then my little boy kissed me.  This is the first time he has ever expressed any interest in his birth and it just thrilled me.  God I love that boy.

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