Friday, 17 May 2013

Bummer Girl Delivers

Quiet week, I know.  I haven't been particularly busy, no major appointments not as much craziness as there has been the past few weeks.  So this is the first time I have really had a chance to take a breath and look at my life in awhile.

Those mommy feelings have been really getting to me this week.  Namely, the feelings of inadequacy.  All moms go through this right?  The feeling of doing so many damned things and not doing any of them particularly well?  That's where I am right now.

Let's see:
I'm tired all the time, my house is a mess, the baseboards look atrocious and the floor is always sticky (even though I steam mop basically every other day- and yes I still LOVE it), the windows are always smudged, the furniture is dusty and there are always loads of laundry sitting in the laundry room both clean and dirty.  I don't feel like I am doing well enough at work, I am always leaving to take care of things for the kids, but with the kids I am never there enough because I'm working.  I can't make it to all of the school parties and meetings, I can't volunteer nearly as much as I would like.  I squeeze doctor appointments for the boys into every crevice of spare time I can find and I haven't been to a doctor in a LONG time, not to mention the dentist.  The dog needs groomed, the walls need to be washed, the kids toys need to be scrubbed, Jack needs new shades in his room, I need to rehang the shade in our room.

Oh, and I have been trying to lose the same damned 10 lbs for ummm....what, two and a half years now?  Lost em once, gained most of them back, have tried so many diets this year it makes my head spin, stopped running, started running, added weights, still not losing, although my arms feel like spaghetti.  But can I bow out gracefully and accept that maybe this is where my body wants to be? Hell no!  That would be way too easy- I prefer to torture myself every time I look in the mirror and get dressed. 

Then the usual for an autism parent-
If I'm working so hard to help my kids why do they seem so "stuck" in one developmental phase (especially Nate)?  Why can't I help him more?  Why is nothing working?  Why can't I make Jack listen to me?  Why isn't his writing getting better?  Why can't we get him to sleep through the night more than 3x's a week?  Why does Nathan still smear poop on his walls and on himself in the middle of the night (quietly) and then greet me with a big grin in the morning?  I feel like a villain every morning- chasing the boys with pills, powders, creams, shots, headphones, and massages while all they want to do is run around like little crazies.  It would be easier if I was seeing major progress, but nadda. 

We don't have enough money to provide the boys with all of the therapies they deserve and frankly need.  Yet I can't work with them on my own too much because I am working to make that inadequate amount of money that doesn't provide all of the therapies that they need. 

My mom told me that if I didn't have anything nice to say, then I shouldn't say anything at all.  THAT is the reason I was quiet this week.  Sorry mom, I caved :-).  Sometimes I think I function more effectively when I am extremely extremely busy.  No time to think- just have to do.

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