Thursday, 13 June 2013


I've been having a bit of a difficult time writing lately.  It's not that stuff isn't happening, it always is.  I am kind of in autism mommy burn out.  I am feeling discouraged, exhausted, and kind of lost.  I am not sure what steps to take next.

Jack's study drug hasn't really done much yet- he continues to be more emotional (oh joy!), but that's about it.  He is still sleeping pretty well.  It hasn't even been a month yet.  So I am waiting.

Nate has been regressing again.  Not using many words at all right now, except more, and a couple others.  He is very stimmy, always very stimmy.

As I continue on this journey with my beautiful boys it becomes more and more obvious why the puzzle piece was chosen as a symbol for autism.  The problem is so complex, and the answer is not the same for any two children.  I have watched so many kiddos pass mine by, kids who were born way after Nate asking me why he's not talking.  Kids starting a gluten free diet and "waking up".  It's hard, it's just really hard.

We have been gluten and dairy free for almost 2 years.  I have been giving Nate shots for a year and a half- that's a miracle thing for many.  Not us.  Curcumin?  A year.  not much.  Yeast treatments- many- temporary results at best.  Am I supposed to keep Nate on nystatin for the rest of his life?  I just feel like I am missing some huge piece of this puzzle and I don't know what it is.  He didn't show any toxicity re: heavy metals when we tested, chelation isn't going to really help.  The therapies have been consistent so it's not that.

I want to be that mom who sees her little boys start to thrive.  I want to have an aha moment and know that things are going to improve.  And I feel like it's my fault that it's not happening. 

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