Time to regroup. My blog is a very personal place, and because of this, I try to be as open as possible. So it’s important that I say this- I am not doing well right now. It’s happened in the past two weeks or so and I really can’t pinpoint what has pushed me over the edge.
I am depressed. As my close friend and coworker said to me this week when I said I didn’t know what I was depressed about, “duh!” And she is right, I technically have many many reasons to be stressed, anxious, depressed. That being said, what has changed? I am not dealing with anything “new”. Yes, I am starting another round of interventions with Nate, yes, it’s the beginning of the school year, and yes, we are coming up on the two year anniversary of Nate’s regression. But this is nothing different than what I have been dealing with. So what gives?
I had my first individual counseling session in a LONG time with our marriage counselor yesterday and spent much of the session sobbing. As I think about it now the tears are welling up again. The last time I was in that room I was in such a good place, feeling so strong that we basically had our termination conversation. John and I are going to need long term support- we are dealing with way more in our marriage than most and it just helps to have a “safe” place to hash it all out. But at this point it’s a maintenance thing, something we can do every 6 weeks or so.
Even through this session, I just couldn’t put my finger on what is going on. It’s really weird, but it came back to the almond bread for Nate again. After my “issue” in the grocery store last week, I came home, resolving to make the bread sooner rather than later- just to get it over with and to prove to myself that my life would not magically transform back to the crisis period it was in when I was doing this in the past. Let me put it this way- the almond flour has been sitting, untouched, in the food processor for a week now. I still can’t bring myself to do it.
So I think my feeling of depression may be stemming from the realization that there will be no “end” to this. When the boys were first diagnosed, I was focused on taking each day as it came, with the hope that there would be “recovery.”. Well, I guess you could say that emotionally I am settling in for the long haul. There will be no quick fix or miraculous intervention. There will be at best, slow progress. Don’t get me wrong, this is of course much better than no progress- just not what I was praying for.
My parents took the boys for the night last night. John and I spent our first night in our home without children since Jack was born 6 years ago. What did I do? Watched Bridezilla’s, stared at the wall, cried, slept. John and I shared a meal together, but after that, all I wanted was to be alone.
Bottom line- I need to accept the fact that I need a break. That I am burnt to a crisp, have compassion fatigue, am ready to throw in the towel, whatever you want to call it. Last night was nice, and this morning has been peaceful, but I need to accept more help from family, friends, etc. I always feel guilty because I am not with my children all day, I am working. But that does not count as a break. It most certainly is not a break. And I am always working on something for the boys while I am doing my job. I am never, ever “single-tasking”. The boys can benefit from being with other people, and most certainly they will benefit from having a mommy who isn’t near tears all the time, like I am now.
It’s time to give some of this over- to my husband, to my parents, to my mother in law, to friends. This mama is at her breaking point. I am finally saying it loud and clear- I need some help.