Nathan

Dear Nathan,

Here we go again.....4am and mommy is lying here awake worrying about you.  I feel like we are at a crossroads of sorts with you and I am waiting to see if you are going to make a huge leap, or if you are going to remain as limited as you have been.  We have your 6 month progress report coming up with the school next week.  6 months?  Is that really it?  Has it only been 6 months since that excruciating assessment?  Only 6 months since it felt like my heart was being ripped out of my body, stomped on, and then haphazardly shoved back in?  I am up in the middle of the night several nights a week just racking my brain for ways that I can help you.  I am looking for a miracle, I want to fix a problem that very likely is not fixable.  I can't tell you how many nights I have picked you up from your crib, brought you into my bed and just stared at you.  You are PERFECT, and I want everything for you.  I know that you likely don't realize what you're missing, but mommy does.  I want you to be able to enjoy your life, not feel so overwhelmed all the time.  I want you to be able to communicate your needs.  I want you to be able to eat regular food!  But right now mommy just wishes she could make this pain go away.  I want to enjoy your childhood, not spend all of this time agonizing over what I should be doing, what I wish I had done.  I shouldn't have let them put you on antibiotics so many times, when it felt wrong for you to have 6 shots in one sitting, I should have stopped it.  When you started making those monotonous sounds, I should have taken you in right away. 

I know it's pointless for mommy to dwell on these details, I know the point is to do everything I can now.  And I am trying, I am trying so so hard.  And I know you are progressing, people tell me every day that you are progressing so well.  It's not enough.  It will never be enough.  Every parent wants for their child to have an amazing life, wants to protect their child from every hurt.  Right now you are blessedly unaware that you are different, but it won't be like that forever.  I pray that everything that we are doing now will prevent you from having to go through too much later on.  I pray that you get to go to school with other kids your age, ride the bus, play sports, have friends.   I pray that someday you will find love, even have your heart broken.  I want everything for you.  And you deserve it. 

I will keep pushing, I will try everything and anything for you.  I promise that I will not give up, no matter how frustrated or overwhelmed I am.  I see you smile every day, I know that you are happy, that you enjoy things.  I know that you recognize your family, I know that you love me, I can see it written all over your face when I walk into the room.  I know that you are aware of way more than I sometimes give you credit for- you cry when we drive into the OT parking lot- clearly you are aware that you are going to do something that you don't necessarily enjoy.  You run for the bathtub the minute someone mentions it.  You go stand by your highchair when you are hungry and demand "more".  You check in with me on a regular basis, you seek reassurance.  I know these are all great signs of a good outcome.  I will hold onto that.  But for tonight, I guess I just won't sleep....again.  I love you so much buddy.